The Scent a Celebrity Series is my vain attempt at picking perfumes for those who don’t know any better, yes I mean celebrities. Let’s face it, most celebrities are incapable of choosing decent clothing/boyfriends/girlfriends/movies/insert-celebrity-mistake-here let alone having the ability to make decisions about something as important as their scent – that’s where I come in. Never fear my dear schlebs, I will ensure that you are appropriately scented, all you need to do is listen.
In Part 1 of Spritzing Springfield I turned my attention to the Family Simpson, choosing scents for all members of America’s favourite dysfunctional family. In this part I will be extending my scented focus on to some of my favourite Springfield residents, ranging from the sublime to the ridiculous and all that lies in between.
Now if Krusty were your average TV clown, you know the nice happy ones who make you laugh, I would possibly choose something fun and fairground-like such as L’Artisan Parfumeur’s Dzing! (circus leather), Thierry Mugler’s Angel (inspired by Thierry Mugler’s childhood fairground memories) or Viktor & Rolf’s Flowerbomb (candy floss in a bottle). But Krusty is not your average clown, he is a chain-smoking, alcohol-swilling, will-put-his-name-to-anything, fraudulent, grumpy, chimp-loving (not in that way) angry clown who hates nothing more than kids.
Taking that into account Krusty would require something cheap and unfriendly with distinct masculine boozy notes. The complicated, yet dreadful failure that is Antidote by Viktor & Rolf with its über macho, plutonium strength lavender would be a perfect fit for our favourite child-hating capitalist clown.
Ned Flanders is the town do-gooder, a god-fearing man so pious that he drives Reverand Lovejoy (the town cleric) to despair. What is interesting about Ned is underneath all of those okily-dokilys, ding-dang-doodleys and that terrific 70s porn tash is one hunk of a man.
Yep, you heard me right, I just called Ned Flanders a hunk and I don’t regret it. On more than one occasion we have seen Ned sauntering around his garden, muscles flexing and dewy moustache twinkling in the sun. So what perfume fits a religious do-gooder with a hot bod? Well only something clean and pure like Armani’s Acqua di Gio will do!
You could cut the sexual tension between Smithers and Mr Burns with a teaspoon and despite the fact that on Burns’ part the love is non-reciprocal, nobody can deny that the tension between boss and assistant is palpable.
Mr. Burns is the evil old rich dude who would let the whole town wither and die if it meant he could increase his stash of wealth, even by a tiny amount. Mr Burns has the capacity to buy a scent that costs more than most residents of Springfield earn in a lifetime. He probably wouldn’t even care what it smelled like, as long as people knew it was expensive. I see him in the obscenely ostentatious No 1 for Men by Clive Christian.
Smithers on the other hand is the antithesis of Mr. Burns. He lives to serve, and his riches amount to one bedroom apartment and a huge collection of Malibu Stacey dolls (which just so happens to be the largest in Springfield). Smithers is desperate to grab the attention and affections of Mr. Burns and I see him wearing something loud and proud like Chanel’s Antaeus that would drop unsubtle hints about his intentions.
Marge’s disgusting chain-smoking spinster twin sisters Patty & Selma are a sight to behold. Personally I could happily not behold the sight of these two bushy-legged harridans if I had the choice but hey, we don’t always get our way.
Both Patty and Selma are bitter middle-aged grot-bags who constantly utter their disdain for their sister’s husband with gruff, cigarette-stained words. Choosing a scent for these two isn’t easy, I could go for the obvious choice and pick Etat Libre d’Orange’s Jasmin et Cigarette but that is way too pretty for these two, who are more cigarette than jasmine if you catch my drift.
No, Patty and Selma would wear something obnoxious and hideous in equal measure. I can see a shared bottle of Estée Lauder’s Spellbound on their dressing table, they would spray the heady syrupy cocktail of dead flowers in abundance, much to the dismay of those around them. Can someone pass the bucket please?
Edna Krabappel is the 4th grade teacher at Springfield Elementary School and she is also the town floozy. Poor Edna is looking for love, and it just so happens that she has encountered nearly every man in town on her quest and it would be safe to say that she has searched quite thoroughly…
Interestingly, despite her dowdy experience Edna does scrub up well and a date with her is seen as quite an achievement, as town psychopath Sideshow Bob once exclaimed: “you only get one chance with Edna Krabappel”. I see Edna rocking the pretty/smutty filthy glam of Etat Libre d’Orange’s Putain des Palaces. Although it’s safe to say that Edna is more of a motel kind-of-gal than a hotel one…
As a geek I can completely empathise with the Comic Book Guy. We may be collectors of entirely different things (me: perfume, him: comic stuff) but I can completely understand his passion for all things collectable.
If Comic Book Guy were to have a fragrance he would have a hard-to-find limited edition such as Thierry Mugler’s A*Men Pure Coffee, which co-incidently would match his passion for food and coffee. In true Comic Book Guy style, he’d own it but wouldn’t wear it, because as we all know it would be worth more in mint condition.
Image 1 justdesktopwallpapers.com (cropped). Image 2 wikipedia.org. Image 3 imaginacaodesign.com.br. Image 4 simpsonspedia.net. Image 5 hollywoodhatesme.wordpress.com. Image 6 sitcomsonline.com. Image 7 screened.com. Image 8 testedich.de.